Directed by Tony Watt
Canada/2009 – 189 Minutes
DVD Provide by Tony Watt
Article written by Douglas A. Waltz

FRANKENPIMP deals with a (surprise!) pimp who is brought back to life and goes on a murderous rampage against those who wronged him. It is always a fun filled day when new movies arrive at The Waltz Compound. This day would be one that would go down in infamy! There was a British TV series from the ‘70s and I saw Ron Jeremy’s bloated mug on the cover of a beach comedy. Fun! Then I spotted the last one. Hmmmm! Cover seemed amateurish at best. But, I learned long ago to never judge a movie by its cover. Excellent films like CHOKING HAZARD and Michael Legge’s LOONS proved me wrong often enough that I knew better.

That said, I then spotted the running time (insert sigh here). One hundred and eighty-nine minutes!!! Don’t worry; I did the math for everyone. That’s 9 minutes more than three hours, folks. The average movie runs about 90 minutes, an hour and a half. Reviewers will make the joke about movies: “Well, that’s 90 minutes I’ll never get back!” I’ve said it myself on more than one occasion. But three hours? I’m getting kind of old and three hours is a lot of time to waste. But I’m a professional and I knew my editor wanted the film reviewed, so I did what any reviewer worth his salt did. I watched it.

I would like, at this time, to get my biggest complaint out of the way and, believe it or not, it’s not the running time. As we have already determined, I watch a lot of movies. A lot of what I watch is referred to as micro budget films. A lot of them. I want to emphasize this so that you don’t think I’m bashing a film purely on budget constraints. These movies, to me, are more fun and entertaining than anything coming out of Hollywood. There are three filmmakers I would like to bring up at this time. You’ll see why soon enough. First up is Rock Savage. Rock brings his own style to the world of cinema. His projects are filled with action, monsters, masked wrestlers, and Nehru jackets. A lot of his stuff is shot on film and then dubbed later. It’s pretty obvious, but this is the Rock Savage style. It’s his signature and for Rock, it works. Mark Baranowski makes movies from his home base in North Carolina. Mark has done a plot with vampires and another about suicide, but he’s not a horror filmmaker. His stuff belongs more in the erotic thriller vein, unless he does a comedy. Finally, we have Chris Seaver. Seaver is similar to Kevin Smith. Both directors seem to have a shared universe with many characters that appear in a majority of their movies.

Why have I brought up these three gentlemen? Let me tell you. In this mess of a film by Tony Watt we have a guy talking with rubber hillbilly teeth. There is also a man who is in blackface who talks a little like Bill Cosby and references Jell-O pudding. Keep in mind that filmmaker Chris Seaver also has a character name Johnny Douchebag who wears fake Hillbilly Teeth. There is also a character by the name of Bonejack who wears blackface and loud sweaters, and makes Jell-O references. These characters have been around for almost twenty years. This was the first thing I noticed. Then I spotted how some of the movie is run through film look and poorly dubbed. While this might seem common in the low budget arena, I have to go...Rock Savage. Check. Baranowski is the tough nut to crack. His films have a certain feel to them. Mark knows what he wants in his films and will, on occasion, give himself the lead. It’s a good way to make sure your actors show up for the days shooting. Tony Watt, the director of FRANKENPIMP, has the lead in this film. While it’s probably for the same reasons as Baranowski uses, this entire project also has that Baranowski vibe to it.

Now, Watt can say that he’s never heard of these guys, but I don’t believe it. Why, you may ask? You can watch Seaver’s films anywhere in the world via Netflix. Of this trio of filmmakers, he’s probably the most famous. These gentlemen have their work out there. To claim you haven’t seen it and are a low budget filmmaker is a pretty big stretch. Now, add to that this ungodly running time that is just abusive to the viewer and a waste of time. To stick one more knife in and twist it, Watt has the audacity to announce a sequel at the end of the flick. Really? You couldn’t wrap up this thin plot in three hours?

I think it’s funny that Watt brags about having Lloyd Kaufman of Troma in his picture. Lloyd will be in anyone’s picture if you buy him a plane ticket and put him up for the night. Apparently, the actress who played Porn Girl in AMERICAN PIE: THE NAKED MILE is also in the film. In the end, FRANKENPIMP is long, dull, and derivative to the point of almost being plagiaristic. Save yourself. If you spot this DVD for any reason, run screaming in the opposite direction. I took the bullet for you on this one. You’re welcome.